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  • Writer's pictureJamie Dixon

Why I Don't Like JK Rowling

Harry Potter Creator's Problematic Views

I keep hearing a lot of buzz. Everyone's mad at JK Rowling. I wasn't really sure what happened, so I looked it up. And wow, do I get it now!!

Here's the problem, for those of you not in the know: A few years ago, Rowling showed up at some Harry Potter show with...dyed red hair.

"What's the big deal?" some of you are saying. "It's 2022, for chrissakes. Get with the times. Lots of people dye their hair nowadays."

But you know what, I'm sick of being told I have to accept all these modern conventions! Back in my day, you couldn't pass as a redhead unless you were born one, like me! Just because science and chemistry have advanced to a point where you think you can pass, doesn't mean it isn't all bullshit. And here's why:

Biology Counts

First of all, let's talk about what we real redheads have to face when people like Rowling get to strut around pretending. Studies have shown that men are attracted to red hair. It's just biology. It's natural. It's the way God intended.

I mean, studies probably show this anyway. I don't know. I tried to Google it but there were a lot of words I didn't understand, and some of it sounded like a bunch of socialist propaganda by the shitlibs.

Anyway, so when someone tries to dye their hair to pretend like they have red hair, they're tricking men into finding them attractive. This is absolute bullshit, and not enough men pay attention to me as it is. I'm pretty sure they would if they weren't distracted by these hussies with their fake red hair. (Some of these shitlibs have tried telling me the reason men don't pay enough attention to me is that I have a bad personality, but they can piss off.)

And it's not fair to men, either, because they fall for this fake hair when they're looking for the real thing!

It's A Matter Of Safety

It's also not fair to people like me. It violates my safety, honestly. I mean, what if I'm in a bathroom and some fake redhead comes in and has to dye their hair while I'm in there. That's disgusting. I don't want to come out of the stall and see you doing that.

You might say I'm being crazy, because who would go into a public bathroom where everyone can see them and dye their hair anyway, but I say, who wouldn't. If you're some kind of crazy person who would want to dye your hair in the first place, you're just doing it for attention, and of course, you're going to make a big scene about it. Don't play me.

It's Just Ridiculous And You Aren't Fooling ME

It's stupid anyway because we can all tell when you have fake red hair. You don't fool anyone, you just think you do. In fact, I regularly make it a point to look at everyone on Twitter and call them out when I can tell they're faking. I spend like 14 hours a day doing this, but I do it for your own safety. Sometimes I even go into public places and corner people trying to see their roots.

Some people say it's mean, but I don't think people should be getting away with this, and I find reasons to insert myself into situations that prove it. It's for the good of society.

We Have To Protect Our Children

Did you know that nowadays, 25% of high school kids dye their hair? When I was younger, I didn't know anyone who dyed their hair. This is an epidemic, and a concerning one. God gave you one hair color. That's just biology, and that's that. Science, bitches.

You Can't Hide Your True Identity

It's really important that we can identify who was born as a brunette, blond and red. We all know that these colors have markers on how we act and identify as people. Like blondes are more emotional, and redheads are tough, and these things are just facts. I don't care if it hurts your delicate sensibilities, it's true.

I don't want to be asking some fake redhead to do a job that I need a real redhead for, and it turns out she's just some pansy-ass blonde who can't handle it. If you need a pickle jar opened, you should be able to look around the room and find the first redhead you can see. You ask some blonde trying to "pass" as a redhead and...I mean, I don't know. She'd probably just open the pickle jar anyway because lots of people can open pickle jars. But there's probably a scenario where this actually matters, even if I can't think of one right now.

In Conclusion...

It's really not that unreasonable. I'm not trying to advocate any crazy reactions against people who dye their hair. I just think if you do dye your hair, you're not really as good of a person as me. It's just obvious you have some sort of mental illness, because why else would you need to cover your natural hair?

Maybe we can make these people go to therapy, I guess. I could probably accept that. I think the easier thing would just be to get rid of hair dye altogether though. I mean, it's really not safe for anyone. You're putting toxic chemicals into your body, and we're letting kids younger and younger do this. That can't be okay for anyone. I'm concerned about the safety of our youth.

And I'm sorry, but if you're someone who always dreamed of having red hair and weren't born with it, you're just going to have to get over it. Again, maybe therapy is the answer. Just stick with your own hair and be unhappy, like everyone else, dammit.

Jamie Dixon is a contributing writer here at The Pyrrhic. She's a content writer by profession, but this is more fun. She's also working on her first novel in her spare time.

Find her on Twitter @onegirloneblog

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